Let's Play Snow Balls!

How goes it everyone? A million my bads for the excruciating delays in the updates on the blog and I hope this will bring my loyal fan base (Hi Dad) off of the ledge. Interruption in bringing you all of your irrelevant sports blog needs were unavoidable, as I was forced to go on vacation, moved into a new place, and spent a solid month in Western State Hospital with a critical case of March Madness. However, I'm back and now I get to start ripping the Mariners a new one! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So the Mariners are sucking agai...

Wait, they've got a winning record? They got snowed out four straight days? THEY'RE IN FIRST PLACE???

Well, if this wasn't the most unpredictable beginning since the original Scream. The Mariners started the season by winning a series over the A's, a team they beat twice all of last year. Before the year, this was as likely a scenario as Ari and Lloyd getting frisky on Entourage. It just goes to show you what a team can really achieve by signing can't miss stars like Jose Vidro, Jeff Weaver, and Miguel Batista. Yikes.

Then came the now infamous series in Cleveland. The Browns and the Seahawks were set to square off in the frozen tundra of Jacobs Field, when a funny thing happened. It started snowing and didn't stop until two feet piled up. In April. I'm not saying Al Gore's got some 'splaining to do, but geez.

However, the most underplayed story of the season happened during the first game of that series, where Mike Hargrove made his only championship move as a manager ever. He got the umpires to stop the game. In the first game of the series, the Mariners were losing 4-0 in the fifth inning. Not just that, they were getting no hit. Not just that, it had been snowing all game. The Mariners were one strike from being out of the 5th and the game being official. Mike Hargrove calls time and summons all the strength in his body not to make a snow drunk, and complains to the umpire that the Mariners can't see the ball. Now, this might have been legit in the 3rd inning, but with one strike left there's no way the umpire is going to agree to this. While Hargrove is begging and pleading his case, it suddenly starts to come down heavier than the dandruff of a shopping mall Santa. The ump laughs, shakes his head, and calls off the game. Amazing.

In his playing days, Hargrove was called the Human Rain Delay, because he took so long in between pitches to get back in the batter's box. I'm starting a petition to change his nickname to Old Man Winter. That was just a classic moment of Mariners history in my book.

Then, off to Boston, where King Felix spoiled Dice-K's debut and damn near no-hit the Sox. I'm just going to say it; Felix looks like Roger Clemens. That slider is unhittable. It burrows into the ground the way I wish Carlos Mencia would. I haven't watched a baseball game in years where it was blatantly obvious that the hitters were flat guessing.

Tack on taking 2 of 3 from Texas this weekend and the Mariners are the only team in the AL West above .500 and in first place. Wow, I nearly blacked out writing that last sentence.

Settle down, Mariner faithful! Please get off of the phone with Ticketmaster! This is fleeting. This too shall pass. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you all this, but my God, this is the Mariners. Ladies and Gentlemen, batting 3rd, Jose Vidro! I thought he retired 5 years ago. Maybe that was just his talent. I don't know. Jeff Weaver has looked like a truck driver without equilibrium so far this year, which is fantastic if Britney Spears is horny, but not if you need him to keep a team in first place of the AL West.

One of the true bright spots that has caught my eye has been Kenji Johjima lighting up opposing pitching. He's hitting .476 so far and has been a wonderful example of what the Mariners management strategy is hoping; That every person on the freaking roster has a career year. The Mariners went on the cheap again this year in free agency and hired guys that they hope pan out. It's a nice start and let's hope the momentum can help inspire a change, but it doesn't help with a talent void. With this kind of intelligence running the club, it's a good thing we've got a manager who can get games cancelled.

Dear Spencer

Dear Spencer Hawes,

You don't know me. We've never met and I've only seen you play in person once. I'm also not a basketball expert; I am merely a Husky alum with a casually read sports blog. You may take all of this letter with that grain of salt in mind, but I wanted to write to implore you to return to UDub next season.

I'm not going to win you over by making any argument about money. You are a first round pick. Guaranteed money. Financial security for the rest of your life. Patrick O'Bryant was taken 9th overall last year. A similar type player, Bryant is a 7-0 center, slightly undersized, with good outside touch. O'Bryant signed a two year deal with Golden State with a club option for the second two years. 3.56 million for each year. You figure that the price goes up for you because of standard inflation and the fact that you are much more skilled than he and going up to 4 million a year is probably legit. So, 8 million dollars and two years guaranteed. Not bad. With the right investments, that seed money could provide you with a life of comfort by itself.

Now, I'm not going to win any argument about money, but let me see if I can put a dent in it. Coming back next year will put your health and long-term security back into question. I can't help that, just the facts. However, if you do come back and continue to improve, you will be a lone wolf in next year's draft. While you project as a similar player to Greg Oden, Kevin Durant, Brandan Wright, Julian Wright, Roy Hibbert, Jeff Green, Joakim Noah, Al Hortford, and Hasheem Thabeet, next year's draft is shaping up to be short on big men. Tyler Hansborough appears to be the only elite big man returning to school next year and his skill set doesn't come close to yours. You will be THE elite post player in next year's draft. Since 1997, the top big man in the draft has been taken number one, with the exception of Lebron, and dude's 6-8. Conceivably, should your game continue to improve and you put on 20-25 pounds of muscle, which I'm sure you're already at work on, Spencer, you will be the number one pick in the draft. Andrea Bargnani was made the top pick by Toronto last year and signed a two year contract with a club option for two more years. Bargnani makes 7.78 million per. 2 years, 15.56 million guaranteed.

Double the money if you come back. It's a thought.

But I don't think money is what drives you. Like I said, I don't know you, but you're a competitor. You're fiery on the court and it seems that there is no where else you'd rather be. I don't think you want to be good; I think you want to be the best. And I think you know that the NBA draft is littered with cautionary tales of prospects coming out too early. Big men especially seem to fall pray to this. Even number one overall pick Kwame Brown. You don't improve faster by sitting in the pros, you improve by playing anywhere. And that anywhere is Washington. Ask Brandon Roy. Tim Duncan stayed all four years. Elton Brand three. One more year of improvement will cement your game and allow you to play meaningful, competitive minutes in the NBA your rookie year. I cannot believe that you'd be happy sitting for most of an 82 game season, despite the cash in your pocket.

However, as a fan, I want you to know that whatever your decision, we were damn lucky and glad to have you. I know that Husky pride runs deep within you, the familial connections to the school have been well documented. I wonder if that pride may be what you heard from that the voice in the back of your head, keeping you from hiring an agent.
I wonder if you don't want your one year as a Husky to be a year where the team didn't even make the NIT.
I wonder if playing with your buddy Brock and becoming one of the elite frontlines in Pac-10 history is something that you think about with each no-look you throw each other in pickup games.
I wonder if you want number 10 in the rafters at Hec Ed for eternity.
I wonder if March Madness kept you up at night, seeing USC go so far.
I wonder if you wonder what means the most to you, to your heart and soul.

Spencer, go to the camps and play against the others the teams will pick from. Play your best. Play like a Husky. And when all of the evaluations are through, think about Hec Ed, the Dawgpack, and your love for the school. Think about these, and then make the right decision, whichever it may be. Thank you for your time, Spencer.

Sincerely,
TheUglySpectator.blogspot.com

Take Your Medicine

I have a few thoughts on a few topics, but not enough to really throw an entire column at. It's points in the year like this where I thought coming up with something completely engaging would be impossible and I'd have to settle for marginally tolerable. Enjoy!

Super Bowl
Is it just me, or do you find Peyton Manning somewhat more likable all of the sudden? For years, dating back to Tennessee, Archie's kid couldn't win the big one and had that stink about him. I liken this to the kid in school who graduates high school with a 4.0, then goes off to some prestigous college and has a breakdown because he can't figure out how to work the laundry machine. All these years, he's been the expert of the system, but been a failed field general. He couldn't even beat Florida when he was a Vol, then he graduates and some guy named Tee Martin leads them to a National Championship.

However, now that he's got a ring and he's got that Volvo off his back, he's kinda endearing. (The week before the Super Bowl and even now, Peyton insists that he never felt like he had a monkey on his back or that there was any more pressure on him. This is among the bigger lies an athlete has ever told the public. Peyton looks like he just blew his inheritance at The Bunny Ranch ever since the game. Brittany Murphy's transformation was only slightly more startling.)

He looks at ease. He hasn't had that stern face and church posture the last few days. He seems relaxed. He seems normal. God, I can't wait for him to get all uptight again in the Pro Bowl.
(Random Fact #1: At Ole Miss, Archie Manning's alma mater, the speed limit is 18 miles per hour on campus, because that was Archie's number. That's what Peyton grew up with. I feel like you need to know these things.)

In a completely unrelated topic, before watching the Super Bowl, I watched an overweight couple in their mid-40s throw a football in the park across the street from my friend Blake's house. The man had a mustache, salt and pepper hair, a baby beer gut, and was wearing sweatpants. He was firing wounded ducks at his wife. This, I thought, is probably what Rex Grossman will be doing in 5 years.

Huckin Fuskies
Oh my dear lord, what the hell happened to my team?

Ryan Appleby needs to stop. Stop shooting, stop playing defense, and for the sake of the children, stop dribbling. He has been so overvalued, that if he went 0-4 from 3 point land on Thursday, everyone would actually think he's improved. His dribbling has this air of disaster about it. It's the sports equivalent of a red carpet appearance by Tara Reid. You know the nipple is coming out, it's just a question of when. The defense, which in years past had been the strength of the team has been abysmal. Romar needs to go to work, if not for this year which is pretty much shot, then for next year's team. Though there is still a chance for this team to go to the tourney, it's fading fast. A sweep over the bay area schools this weekend is mandatory and a tall task. Stanford and Cal both need to improve their resumes for the tourney and neither team will relax against the Dawgs. I have a feeling that Madison Square Garden awaits.

As for the rest of the Pac-10, I can't figure out how Tony Bennett is making so much more out of the Cougs than his Dad did. What were the Vegas odds on the Cougs even being .500 at the end of the season? This is why I love college basketball... even if it's the Cougs. I hate everything about Oregon. Aaron Brooks could have a garbage fire break out in his fro and I'd snicker, then take pictures. And we beat them. I'm hanging my hat on that. Look for 6 teams to get in to the tourney; UCLA, Washington State, USC, Oregon, Stanford, and Arizona. Washington or Cal could each get in with strong finishes and Pac-10 tourneys. The rule of thumb is usually if you get 20 wins, you're in. This year, I think Cal and UW will have to do better. (Random Fact #2: The two toughest, baddest freshmen in the Pac-10 are Stanford's Lopez twins. Their first names are Robin and Brook. I'm just saying.)

Ugly Notes
I suddenly want to be an astronaut... Gilbert Arenas' mission has me interested in the NBA for the first time since 1998... Ty Willingham got every recruit to sign yesterday, which makes for a 7.5 class. Pretty impressive for a 5-7 team... It's been over a week since I saw Smokin' Aces and I still can't decide if I like it or not... David Beckham will not be worth 2.5 million to the Los Angeles Galaxy in 2 years... Worst Super Bowl Commercials ever... Kevin Durant will be the best forward in the NBA in 3 years... Breaking News: Bill Bavasi is a moron... If it's possible to overdose on a person, I'm going to need an adrenaline shot the next time I see Peyton Manning. Retract my earlier statement... Anna Nicole Smith passed away today, which saddened me deeply because her Playboy issue, which I stole from my Grandfather's house when I was 12, helped me become a man. I'll never forget.

An Ode To Perspective

There aren't alot of times that I'll make excuses for a team that blew opportunities and missed open doors throughout a season, but I'd like to make a case for restraint in the vocal disappointment of Seattle Seahawks fans following their elimination this past Sunday night. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that this team was victim of bad luck and perhaps, just as much to suggest they did a great impression of Britney Spears.

In the past few days, we've found out much more as to how serious the injuries to some of the key members of the team were. Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck was playing with two broken fingers on his non-throwing hand, and today it was revealed that he played with a torn left labrum throughout the end of the season. Running back Shaun Alexander's foot was reinjured during the Chicago loss. Retiring center Robbie Tobeck, who sat out the second half of the season with some sort of nuclear waste oozing from his hip, revealed on KJR today that Walter Jones can't take any pain meds due to a pre-existing medical condition, pain meds that most O-Linemen pop like tic tacs throughout the season. Starting cornerbacks Marcus Trufant and Kelly Herndon missed both playoff games. D-Lineman Marcus Tubbs missed the majority of the season. Even Pro Bowl fullback Mack Strong had to bow the irony of his name and miss the final game.

In short, eight of the opening day starters either were missed or were playing with serious injuries for the final game. And they only lost by three to a team whose defense looks like they were stars in a Stan Lee comic. (Sidenote: Isn't nice to see UW turning out people as ambitious as Tank Johnson? I mean, at 25 to be running guns like he was Ollie North? That's just impressive.)

So why does it feel so empty?

Despite injuries that would leave most coaches in the fetal position, the Hawks played all out and nearly won the damn thing. Hell, they should've won. Now we're stuck with the questions of what if. What if Hass doesn't throw that interception? What if the snap isn't blown on 4th down? What if Big Play Babs grabs that interception in the 1st? What if an orange traffic cone lines up at fullback instead of Will Heller? We could do this all day and believe me, it has occupied my thoughts as much as it has yours. It simply boils down to missed conversions and botched opportunities. Stuff that happens in games. It feels empty because we remember a season ago when all of those breaks fell on the good guys' side. This wasn't the team of an NFL MVP, or a Pro Bowl left guard, or a team that won all its home games. This was a team that could've used a bucket of extra crispy to use as spare parts.

This was a MASH unit, a team that was held together by spit, fire, experience, and a city. And I'm damn proud of them. More proud than last year. They didn't deserve to be in the playoffs. They didn't even deserve to win their division. But guys played hurt, played mad, and played for pride. They played for us. They had no earthly business winning against Dallas, but they did just enough. They were running on fumes and in the end, it wasn't enough.

I hate moral victories, I think they're for losers. And this wasn't one. This was a victory for the locker room, for the guys who played. And for next year. They know what happened week to week better than we do. This was a disappointment for the fans, but they will hold their heads high, and deserve to.

Free agency and the draft will be upon us sooner than a Britney Spears comeback record. I think we'll fare better. I mean, c'mon, the Raiders will do better.

Matters Of The Heart

It should be a good time for Seahawks fans right now. They have locked up the NFC West and will host a first round playoff game. Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasselbeck have come back from injuries and the defense is coming off of their best game since last year. However, you can't polish a turd and every Hawks fan knows it.

They are 8-7 and fell ass backward into a division championship after a loss by, wait for it, the 49ers. The offense is not even close to being in sync. Injuries have plagued the O-Line all season, Bobby Engram is just now returning from a thyroid condition, and Darrell Jackson has suffered a turf toe injury, which amputation would cure faster than anything. Jerramy Stevens couldn't catch a drunk girl at a bar.

The defense has been worse. Michael Boulware was in tears in the locker room following his blown coverage at the end of the San Diego game. Grant Wistrom apparently is still on the team, though you wouldn't know it by watching. Lofa Tatupu inexplicably made the Pro Bowl team, despite anchoring a defense that has been terrible against the run and being as effective a tackler as Helen Keller.

The most telling statistic of the season is Josh Brown's NFL tying record of four game winning field goals. That is four more O faces than I've ever wanted to see Coach Mike Holmgren make. Craig Stadler getting lucky is more vomit inducing than a Gonzaga celebration. A 9-6 victory over Detroit, who now is 2-13, turns out to be a very revealing omen for the Hawks season. The Hawks are just good enough to eek out a win over bad teams on the road, and as last week showed, they are just good enough to hang with good teams at home.

I understand that Holmgren isn't one to hang his players out to dry, but after the obvious difference in the way the Hawks attacked the Chargers in their game last week, asking where this was all season is fair game. Where is the heart? Where is the desire? Where is the burning desire to win? Where is the waitress, I need another beer. Part of the answer lies in the offseason blunder that still haunts the team even this late in the season.

In recent weeks, players have spoken more openly about what Steve Hutchinson meant to last year's team. He was the marshall of the locker room, the one who kept players in line, the one who got their face when they dogged it. There is a rumor that last season Hutchinson was furious with what he perceived as a lack of concentration on the part of Boulware and put the safety into his own locker. That kind of self-accountability is what great teams have and what average teams don't. What's worse is that it's become crystal that the Hawks haven't had anybody step into that role. So, Holmgren probably won't risk dissension in the clubhouse this late in the season, but publicly calling his players' heart into question might be something they need to hear. Even if it causes a rift, it might produce results on the field. Then again, it could just as easily lead to Alexander not smiling. And we wouldn't want that.

The Hawks have one last tune up this week against Tampa Bay to try and find that loving feeling again. A four win team might be just what the doctor ordered, especially with an offense that is one notch above Impacted Colon. However, Seed of Chucky Jon Gruden won't go down without a fight. Holmgren has already announced that the starters will play this week, especially since they decided to take a few weeks off during the season. This needs to be a game for the defense to sharpen their claws and for the offense to sharpen everything else.

A guaranteed home playoff game is nice, due to the biggest home field advantage since Vietnam, but the result lies in the question. Do the Hawks want to just hang with good teams at home or do they want to live to play again?

The State of Husky Football

Let me begin by saying to all the red headed stepchildren that didn't get into Washington, apples. Thank you, thank you, you're too kind. I know, I know. I'm the exact kind of arrogant, self-aggrandizing Husky fan that is the reason all Eastern Washingtonians and Cougs hate UDub. My only response is that yes, you're right, and I'm glad I'm not you.

Now, the assessment of the season that was and the evaluation of the one to come must begin. At the beginning of the season, General Tyrone Willingham stated that the goal for the season was a bowl game. Obviously, that means six wins and the Dawgs fell one short. There are a number of factors that contributed to the outcome of the season, not the least of which was the season ending injury to Isaiah Stanback. However, that alone can't be blamed, especially in the light of the loss to Stanford High School.

Willingham and his staff made some serious miscalculations with in game decisions, made some horrendous judgment calls, and yet, made strides toward rejuvenating the program.

I had previously railed against taking the redshirt off heir apparent Jake Locker, making the argument that Carl Bonnell and Johnny Durocher could get us two wins to make the magic number. Barbecue sauce doesn't help crow, this I now know. One thing we know now is that Carl Bonnell is not a starting Pac-10 quarterback. He is serviceable and his experience this year will do nothing but help this team next year, but it is as clear as the space between Michael Richards' ears that Locker will start next year and should've been put in this season. There, ya happy?

Presently, I'm intrigued by Willingham's current move to remove two juniors from the team. Kicker Michael Braunstein and Safety Chris Hemphill have been told that they will not be asked to return next season, and there are rumblings about a possible 3-4 more players that will be shown the door as well. This is interesting to conceive as anything other than Willingham cleaning house of anyone who can't or won't buy into his, ahem, philosophy. Braunstein is notorious for being a pain in the ass, 5'6" kicker, someone who if he didn't have his football buddies around would've been stepped on long ago. Hemphill, on the other hand, was quite popular with his teammates and this fact led to a very noticeable rift with some of the older players on the team. OG Stanley Daniels spoke out to the media, albeit in a muted way. Willingham's announcement, shockingly during the season, was intended to set a tone for the rest of the season. What it did instead, was to lead to a near mutiny. This killed team moral and gave two guys Ty already didn't like, a reason to be an Iraq-sized problem. The speculation is that Ty will try to fill the two spots with JC players, who'll be able to contribute immediately.

Whatever you can say about the shortfalls of Ty's second season, one thing cannot be disputed; The team performed. Two overtime losses to Cal and Arizona State, a botched clock defeat to USC, and a rivalry game win at Wazzu showed that the team had heart and believed. One thing you have to give Ty credit for is that the team bought in, played hard, and improved. He more than doubled last season's win total, taking the team from being a poor and dead Kenny to a slightly more respectable Ms. Chokesondick. The similarities are striking, I know.

As for next year, it will be a full transition year. Locker will be a first time starter, the running game will be handed over to Louis Rankin and if he qualifies, J.R. Hasty. Two O-Line starters will need to be replaced, but more over, 7 defensive starters graduate. Playmakers C.J. Wallace, Dashon Goldson, and Scott White will be difficult to replace and will leave a big challenge for D coordinator Kent Baer to find answers for.

There is hope however. Marcel Reece showed the flash at WR everyone knew he had in the Apple Cup. Dan Howell and Greyson Gunheim proved to be potential stars. Johnnie Kirton made plays wherever he lined up. Jake Locker was one of the most sought after recruits in the country a year ago and is going to be depended on in much the same fashion that Stanback was. He's going to need to be an immediate playmaker for the offense to rebound.

However, the biggest question mark is going to be the JC transfers that Ty can bring in. If Ty can bring in 4 or 5 JC players with immediate impact potential, the team could stabilize, but if the season's success doesn't translate to recruiting, the team could be destined for another losing season. With so much uncertainty as to who will start and the level of talent in the team undetermined, it is impossible to say whether this team can continue its upward climb or will regress. If the team goes TIMMAY, I may have to go Towelie.

Follow The Bouncing Ball

First, a mea culpa. I didn't post last week because I was too depressed. I couldn't be witty about sports because the Huskies have crapped the bed. I live it and breathe it during the fall and this year was gut wrenching. My hopes got sky high and I bought all the hype. 4-1 start... 4 straight losses. The only analogy I can think of for how I feel is being naked in bed with a beautiful woman, about to have incredible sex, and suddenly, Brian Urlacher comes in the room and starts swinging me around by my junk. Somehow, making jokes about Entourage and the Husky receiving corps didn't seem to matter.

However, I've been reinvigorated. Friday night, it's Husky Basketball season! The Dawgs open against St. Martin's, a sleepy little Jesuit college located in a strip mall, next to a Quizno's in Lacey. Jumpin' crawdaddies, we got a barnburner! This year's team, sans BRoy, Bobby Jones, and walking blackhole Jamaal Williams, will feature a virtual cornucopia of freshman ballers. First and foremost, wunderkind Spencer Hawes, #2 center recruit in the nation, will be a focal point of the offense, as he attempts to pad his resume for his entry into next year's NBA draft. Hawes has expressed interest in staying longer, but then again, don't we all? Hawes had been sidelined recently with a small fracture in his foot, but returned to practice this week.

Next, Quincy Pondexter, or Q as he wants to be called (Can I make my own nickname? I like Horsecock Johnson. It has sentimental value.) is set to be the starting 3, and from all reports, this guy has been taking over practices. He has range to 17 and will take over as the initiator of the offense for BRoy. The one word that I've read over and over again is freak. This guy's athleticism is off the charts. He's going to be fun to watch.

Adrian Oliver will be the likely 2 guard and split time ballhandling with Justin Dentmon. Killer outside shot, sure hands, good defense. In short, Romar's kinda guy. Phil Nelson will come off the bench and provide instant offense. Nelson is 6-8 and his game is most often compared to Adam Morrison. Though his facial hair potential and ability to cry on cue haven't been tested yet, his shooting touch is supposed to be phenomenal.

Of course, the returning starters will be Dentmon and Jon Brockman. Dentmon was one of the best point guards in the conference by season's end and his performance in the NCAA Tournament was stuff of legends. He'll be counted on this year to provide more scoring along with leadership on the floor. No matter how you slice it, Brockman had a disappointing freshman year. After spurring Mike Kryaoihef;arfski, head coach and CEO of Duke to stay home, he was was piled with expectations. While his defense was at times peerless, his offense was spotty at best. With Hawes now next to him, there is a real one two punch in the frontcourt and should free Brockman up to score easier.

The schedule this year will give the Huskies every opportunity to earn a solid RPI ranking for the tournament. The Pac-10 should be the second or third strongest conference in college this year, behind only the ACC and possibly Big East, with strong UCLA, Arizona, Stanford, and Oregon teams.

The real key to the year is a strong start and wins in a tough non-conference schedule. Dates to be circled include a home game against LSU, away game against Gonzaga, and mid-season clash at Pittsburgh. If we win two of these three, we should be in good shape. Not to look too far ahead or anything...

So, yes. I'm bailing on football. No, I didn't sprain anything jumping off the bandwagon. And no, I won't save you a spot over here. I'll see you shortly.

That Flushing Sound

Well, I've climbed down off the ledge I've been on since Saturday at around 6:30. That was the approximate time when the Husky Nation felt like they were in the curbing scene in American History X. Our fearless leader, Isaiah Stanback, trying desperately to lead the Huskies out of a deficit to Oregon State, suffered an injury caused by a French mustard apparently. The "Lisfranc sprain" suffered by Predator requires surgery and he will miss the remaining games this season. His career at Washington is over.

For Stanback, it has been a career without a clear legacy. Stanback saw his first major action at wide receiver, where his jaw-dropping quickness left Husky fans in awe. He played with Reggie Williams and Charles Frederick, and was the star of the last recruiting class brought in by Neuweasel. His desire to play quarterback, coupled with visions of Michael Vick dancing in the coaches' heads, brought him back to the position he was originally recruited for. His incredible physical talent has been equally marveled at as his Fox News-esque accuracy in the pocket. This year, however, Stanback seemed to have found a comfort zone and shown flashes of brilliance. He has lead this year's team out of the doldrums and to a 4-2 record at the midway point of the season, causing the Husky Nation to foam purple and demand 7-8 wins. However, his injury, and the candidates to take over, have given the Nation purpleballs.

The Huskies are just two wins away from bowl eligibility and that goal, which has gone from unthinkable to certain to in doubt all in the span of two months, is the real dilemma that the coaching staff must face. 8 wins is gone and now, the hopes for 6 has dimmed, but still alive. But is that good enough, after rising so quickly, so fast? Because here's the question at the soul of the whole argument and larger, the Husky faithful;

Do the Huskies continue to rebuild the program or play for this season?

The two different schools of thought have two different answers under center.

First, Carl Bonnell is the current backup and heir to the job. He's a junior, who transferred from Wazzu after originally choosing the Cougs out of high school. Handing him the keys to the job is almost as vomit inducing as handing them to a Duck transfer. (Oh, have you met Johnny Durocher? He's the third string quarterback and his play in the one game he appeared in last year smelled worse than Eugene.) However, Bonnell has two years experience and according to coaches, legitimately pushed Stanback for the starting job in the preseason, though I liken this probability to the "She's got a great personality" realm. Bonnell looked uncertain and lost when he came into the game last week. However, he showed some impressive flashes two years ago during stretches of play, but lost all of last year to injury. Now, he's already been named the starter for this week's game, but the speculation has reached a fever pitch about The Savior.

Second, the lobbying has already begun to take the redshirt off freshman Jake Locker. With the expectations he's already been saddled with, Locker's initials might as well be J.C. As a true freshman, Locker has seen as much game time in college as I have. He plays quarterback on the scout team, which is to say he does his best impression of the coming opponent's quarterback to prepare the Husky defense as well as possible for the opponent's gameplan. He's spent more time pretending not to be a Husky quarterback than preparing to lead his own team. Locker's also going to be the favorite next season to start as a redshirt freshman and play (hopefully) four years at the position. Four years, if they don't play him this year.

So, do you go with the guy with the experience to try and get the two wins to piece together a bowl game? Or instead, do you go with the future star now and hope his talent overcomes his inexperience?

Bonnell will probably be serviceable, and be able to piece together a win over Stanford and one over either Wazzu or Arizona State. Locker could show his inexperience and lose every single game from here on out, or he could show the genius we're all hoping for and win 2+.

We're on the business end of a Fear Factor choice; Cow Eyes vs. Horse Penis for a million dollars. At this point, we should stick with Bonnell and go for two wins with what is by far the better known quantity. Eating a year of Locker's eligibility would raise far more questions than answers and could harm his confidence and future success, should things go south. There is way more to lose if Locker plays this year than there is to gain.

If the Nation is serious about getting to a bowl game being success, then let's do it with Bonnell and get a second victory on top; Jake Locker's 4th year of play.

Redemption Road

Football weekends have many plotlines. They come from rivalry, to status, to postseason implications, to saving a season. It happens every weekend all throughout the country. However, every once in awhile, the Gods of Lombardi, Bryant, and Rick Neuheisel (Wait, he's still alive?) smile down on us in the Northwest and the Huskies and the Seahawks both play season defining games. Here's a timeline of what will occur this weekend for yours truly:

Friday:
7:45pm- Finalize tailgating plans with assorted friends, including my buddies Parker, Dimeling, and Evan. My roommate Shaflik's parents have got a spot at the moor and are bringing their boat in. We discuss staying "presentable" for the inevitable food/beer run we'll make there.

9:10- Arrive at my friend Jeff's place to prefunk to go out for the night.

9:11- I announce that I'm taking it easy tonight to save myself for the game tomorrow.

9:40- I finish my third tequila shot. I immediately regret it.

10:35- Leave for the bar of choice for the night, fully intending to only have one beer.

Saturday
12:41am- I sign out my tab of $32.57. Foggy, I think, "Yup, that's about right."

1:41- Crawl into bed and set my alarm for 10:15am. Thank God for late kickoffs.

10:15- "Jesus Christ... WAAAAATER!"

11:05- Start walking to Bozick's to get my car.

11:20- I wonder if there's a bus that would get there faster?

11:30- Get into my car and start listening to KJR. The Professor John Clayton talking about the Hawks. "I'm back, baby!"

12:10pm- Leave for my buddy Heistand's place to prefunk the tailgate. Um, yeah. That's how we roll. (Heistand is a UW med student and a fraternity buddy. He's currently in Boise doing a surgical rotation. Can't wait to see the look on his roommates' faces when we still show up. "Uh, hey guys... You know, Heistand's not here..." They've got a prime spot to walk to the game from. Sorry guys.)

1:50- Get to the usual tailgate north of the climbing rock. A bunch of friends from school all migrate there. I think there's probably 5 actual cars with Tyee passes, but something like 200 people show up. It's like the 26 yr old of the equivalent of hearing about a free kegger in college.

2:55- Little brother shows up and is shitcanned. Ah, to be a sophomore again.

3:25- Run and drink the last beer at the same time toward the gates of heaven: Husky Stadium.

3:37- Kickoff and blood is in the air.

3:38- Marlon Wood runs back the opening kick for UW. It's ON.

3:41- Dan Howell picks off a hapless OSU Beaver Matt Morris. There's that feeling in the air, back five years ago, when it was never quiet, even during timeouts in Husky Stadium. That feeling when opponents came into Husky Stadium and just sort of looked around lost, like "What have we gotten ourselves into?"

5:02- Halftime. Score is 24-6 UW. This what they needed. The makings of a blowout. Isaiah is in total control. The run game looks strong. OSU is just trying to not make mistakes on offense, and their defense is more run over than the Burke-Gillman.

5:35- Trying to break away someone I haven't seen in awhile and I hear the first roar of the second half. "Hey, it was great to see you, but my buddies aren't gonna hold my seat. I'll call you."

5:36- Try to find my friends at five various locations in the parking lot.

5:50- Get back into the game. 31-6??? What happened?

6:15- Leave the game. UW's put in Jake Locker (Kidding. Settle down.) and have the game in hand 34-13 with 4:31 left in the game.

6:51- Arrive at The Duchess to celebrate with the revelers. Go 3-1 in shuffleboard.

???- Leave The Duch.

Sunday
9:50am- Wake up. FUUUUUUUCK! The Hawks!

10:10- Stop for Gatorade. Get to Parker's for Man Day. (Man Day Rule No. 1 "Do not talk about ma... OK, it's no eating food that's not delivered." No. 2 "No showering." No. 3 "In light of No. 2, no women." No. 4 "Fantasy Stattracker must be up at all times.")

10:25- St. Louis goes up 7-0 on a bomb to Torry Holt. Does Kelly Herndon have sense perception, or does he run into closed doors and grab for handles from 10 feet away?

10:53- Jeff Wilkins FG. Not looking good. STL 10-0.

11:12- Matt Hasselbeck leads the team on an 80 yard TD drive, capped with Mo Morris getting off the schnide with a 3 yard TD run. 10-7 STL.

11:29- Steven Jackson goes right through the middle, with Lofa Tatupu uncharacteristically out of position. 37 yard TD run. 17-7 STL at Half.

11:42- Pizza comes. They forgot our breadsticks. I hate Pizza Hut.

12:07pm- St Louis drives, but come up short with a big (GASP) Grant Wistrom sack, his first sack since the Reagan Administration. FG STL 20-7

12:24- Morris goes in for his 2nd TD of the game from the 4. Have I mentioned Morris is on my fantasy team? STL 20-14.

12:35- Leroy Hill picks off Marc Bulger and goes down to the SEA 41.

12:42- Drive stalls and Josh Brown makes a 52 yard FG. STL 20-17.

12:43- In celebrating, Parker farts and wafts into my face. I gag. We both laugh. I crack a window.

12:51- Not looking good for the Hawks. Jackson is eating the clock. On the SEA 43, 4:27 on the clock. He looks like a mix between The Predator and a Volvo.

12:59-FUMBLE! Jackson loses it when Ken Hamlin crushes him on a safety blitz! 2:06 on the clock, followed by two straight completions to Jerramy Stevens have the Hawks on the STL 48. 1:01 on the clock. Holmgren looks like those 4 halftime hot dogs are starting to work their way up.

1:03- With the drive stalling in FG range, Holmgren gives Morris a handoff with :48 left. I wake up Parker's elderly neighbor from my screaming. Looks like he'll settle for a FG and play for overtime.

1:04- On 3rd down, Hawks go 4 wide and Hasselbeck hits Darrell Jackson in stride! GO GO GO! TD! 38 yard TD, SEA gets their first lead all game, 24-20! :11 left.

1:07- Hawks hold on to win! 2 huge wins deserves one thing: Sleep! Parker proceed to watch the rest of the games, talking over top of Joe Buck (Can I turn on the TV without seeing this guy?)

It's the best of the best! A weekend of two huge wins, celebrated in style. I can't wait for this all to come true. Then, it's off to my bookie's!

The Trouble With Hope

The hamlet of Seattle known as Montlake has been in funk the last couple years. OK, that's like calling Carrot Top mildly annoying. It's been a disaster. At the University of Washington, basketball has taken over as the iconic sport with its epic surge to the national spotlight, something unthinkable only 4 years ago. The combined total of 3 wins in two years, a coaching change, and constant state of chaos has relegated the program to near obscurity. And it brought its most dedicated fans to the point of going Waco.

And then, without so much as a Willingham whisper, the program did a 180. Unexpected victories have lifted the program out of its sullied routine and placed the Huskies at the top of the Pac-10 at 4-1, far ahead of the last place finish that was universally prognosticated. Isaiah Stanback has turned into two-way weapon and is leading the offense with his arm and legs. The perceived lack of playmakers is but a distant memory with the emergence of Sonny Shackelford and Anthony Russo. The defense has grown a pair and has become one of the toughest in the conference. Linebacker Scott White went from leaving the team to Pac-10 player of the week. It's like Erika Christensen going from Swimfan to Traffic.

This team looks like a team with a future. Like a team with heart. Like a team that can shock the world.

Unfortunately, that's what sudden, unexpected success can do to fans. The purple Kool-Aid is being served and the Husky Nation is drunk with expectations. I'm not sure what to say, because I mean, I'm a diehard. I want this so bad. A win over USC Saturday would push the Huskies achingly close to their rightful place in college football's hierarchy. However, the truth is that USC is damn near an NFL team, and the Huskies are a team playing with diminished talent and depth. Right now, they're the ugly girl that made Homecoming Court because the cheerleaders got busted at a kegger. The whole conference is bad this year and they played two cake non-conference opponents. Plus, they have yet to put together a full game. Arizona was one quarter, Oklahoma and UCLA were one half. For a victory over USC, Peter Griffin and Homer Simpson would have to hold hands at an AA meeting.

On paper, this game is a nightmare. Worse, the Husky Nation has lost its mind. We are two wins from bowl eligibility and a light year from USC. Call me a Negadawg, but this team is playing on borrowed time and when (not if) they get 6 wins, it will be a massive accomplishment. At the rate we started, the fans have gotten in over their heads and when the Dawgs come back to Earth, I'm worried that the blood lust will be at Predator-like levels. And so, here's our only chance of winning, speaking of Predator...

1. Stanback needs to play smart and calm. I can't stress this enough, UW cannot turn the ball over. USC is like Iceman. That's how he flies, ice cold. No mistakes. He waits for you to get bored, frustrated, then boom. He's got you. The USC defense is going to throw everything at him and he's gotta take it all with his head about him.

2. The defense needs to take some chances. Smart chances. A first down all-out blitz. C.J. Wallace going for a pick over the middle, instead of the tackle. Block a punt. They need to put USC's offense on its heels, throw them off their gameplan, show them something they weren't expecting.

3. UW's offensive line needs to show that they're as good as they looked against the previous opponents. All five linemen have played every snap this season and they've played like a real Husky line. USC's front seven move faster than a Prison Break promo. Give Isaiah a breath.

4. Most important and again, as Stanback goes, so goes UW. He has not been sharp throwing the ball this season, save for a few quarters. He still seems to be unable to control his right arm, sending passes too high or leading receivers too far. He'll need to be crisp, accurate, and smart. He's made amazing progress this season and this will be the yardstick. No matter what the coaches say, the game's on his shoulders. Period.

The purple visor will stay in the vault this Saturday. My bookie's calls will go unanswered. But I'll plant a Mark Foley sized one on Isaiah if he plays his best game.

John Madden Hates Me

I'm typically not a superstitious person. I do step on cracks in pavement, I don't knock on wood, but when it comes to sports, I have a few. I hadn't worn my purple Huskies visor since the Rose Bowl season and the Huskies had never lost a game I'd been at when I wore it. I decided to take it out of retirement this year, simply because I had a feeling.

The result? A 3-1 record and that feeling has been rewarded with the visor remaining undefeated. I now have it under armed guard and insured by Lloyd's of London. How else can you explain a 2-9 team rebounding this way? Good coaching and a productive offseason? Please. This has everything to do with Husky mojo settling directly on the salt stain on the bill of my Nike visor. You're welcome.

This same "feeling" I had right before my fantasy draft. It was as certain as Jack Bauer. So, I knew that if I pulled the first pick in the draft, there was no way I would draft Shaun Alexander.

Dammit.

Against all logic, common sense, and tarot card readings, I went with my heart and picked the 2005 NFL MVP and gave myself a Seahawk to root for all year long. Alexander has, before last year, been dogged by questions about his work ethic, running style, blocking, and pass receiving. However, after last year's epic season, all those questions seemly evaporated like so many tears after the Super Bowl. It's like how everyone wants to welcome Whitney back with open arms now that she's divorcing Bobby, and we've just decided not to bring up the whole Crack thing. The pardon Alexander got from all those questions were in respect for his accomplishments and a silent, ominous cloud on the horizon.

The loser of the last five Super Bowls has failed to make the playoffs the following season. It seemed to many that continuing to raise these pertinent questions would just add fuel to what looked like an inescapable fire. There is also the question of how Alexander would respond after signing his record long-term contract. He played like a man possessed last year, but was it just for the contract? Steve Hutchinson is gone and how would the O-line respond? However, the bad signs are easily mitigated.

The Hawks play in possibly the worst division in the NFL and could possibly make the playoffs with an 8-8 record. Qwest Field is the toughest place to play in the NFL and the Hawks have only lost one regular season game ever in the building. Alexander no longer has the distraction of worrying about the contract, so he can focus solely on getting back to the Super Bowl. Hutch was replaced by a guy who was going to be last year's starting right tackle before he got injured and has a first-rounder as a backup. These are all great reasons why Alexander, while he might not break records, will still be one of the elite players in the league.

However, I ignored the one real truth of the NFL. More than the Texans will suck, and Fred Taylor will get injured, the Madden Curse will kill you.

Shaun Alexander is on this year's edition of the Madden NFL video game, the virtual bible for dorks everywhere. The Madden Curse has made its cover boys the most disappointing stars of the league for that year. This goes back to 1999 when Barry Sanders retired out of nowhere and continued to last year when Donovan McNabb got a hernia and had to watch as the Eagles finished 6-10. It hasn't skipped a year since '99 and it devours anyone within six degrees of it. You have a better chance of cooking Tony Soprano johnnycakes in leather chaps and coming out alive than of escaping the Madden Curse.

I chose to go with my gut and not my head, and as Lloyd Dobler would say, "You know what? My guts have shit for brains." My fantasy season is essentially done, which really pisses me off, because now I have to hear it from all my buddies for the rest of the year, including the inevitable, "Oh Graden, I've been meaning to tell you... I've got Shaun's foot in my trunk. Do you want it?"

Alexander was already off to a bad start and Mo Morris looked better when he was in anyway, so I think the Seahawks will be fine. Perhaps better. Obiviously, the offense will be much more reliant on Hasselbeck and the passing game, but he's beginning to resemble Joe Montana. Crisp timing passes, superb field management, strong leadership, and an uncanny feel for the game. I still like the Hawks to go 12-4.

Now, Shaun will be back in a month and will play most of the season. That is unless the Madden Curse decides it hasn't gotten enough blood. I mean, a cracked bone in the foot really isn't as sexy as total leg break a la Michael Vick. In Week 13 at Denver, look for Alexander to break his shoulder when frogs begin falling from the sky. I'm just saying, I wouldn't be surprised.

Now, I've got a cold that could choke a donkey and I have no one to start in Shaun's place in fantasy. If the Huskies blow it in Tucson, I'm going stingray hunting. Happy trails.

Oklahoma and Other Tantrums

Ya know, I get that getting a game taken away by bad officiating hurts. I understand that being an elite program means demanding standards. However, the folks out in Norman are losing their damn minds. After two heartbreakingly bad calls, Oklahoma lost a barnburner (Whoa, Nellie) to WhOregon on Saturday and they are taking the Terminator 2 approach to dealing with it.

Remember that scene, when cute little Eddie Furlong (My how times have changed) discovers Linda Hamilton's carving in the table at the Mexican Armory campsight? "No fate... There's no fate except what we make for ourselves.. SHE'S GONNA BLOW HIM AWAY!"

School President David Boren has demanded that the game's result be stricken from the record. Seriously, he wants the record books to show the game never happened. Look, the history of sports is riddled with obvious bad calls that changed the outcome of games and this has never happened. The two calls hurt, and hurt bad, but Oklahoma still had time to turn back the Ducks. However, they folded like a fortune cookie and WhOregon scored to win.

The Pac-10 has suspended the replay official and apologized, but that hasn't taken care of Oklahoma's rage and they have now moved to another tactic, threatening to cancel next year's game at Husky Stadium unless the Pac-10 allows a third conference's refs to officiate the game. Seriously, Colonial Kurtz's paranoia looks downright folksy compared to this.

Sooners, if you're that scared of officials sandbagging to reward the Huskies, remember this: The Huskies have long been the most punished and least liked team in the Pac-10. Meg Griffin is The Golden Child comparatively. Pac-10 officials will, if anything, err on the side of Oklahoma in next year's game. So, unless it's Husky Stadium and a revived program that you're scared of, shut up and stop the fire sale of your dignity.

Extraneous Thoughts:

-Washington Football received a major shot in the arm Saturday, beating a somewhat down Fresno State team. The game just felt better. It was a return to Husky Football in the pre-Weasel era. The teams just hit each other in the mouth for four quarters, athlete versus athlete, physical football. The crowd, 58,000 plus, was loud, real loud, all game. It was interesting to see that Defensive Coordinator Kent Baer seemed to employ something Madden 97 taught me: If you blitz and pressure the quarterback, he'll be less effective. Weird. The pass D still showed gaping holes at times, but they tackled well and because the quarterback had less time to throw, receivers couldn't get separation. 21-20, but a win is a win is a win.

-A couple of interesting subplots to the game this Saturday vs. UCLA.

#1. UCLA has a habit of winning games against UW, no matter how good or bad either team is. The Bruins flat have the Huskies number. The last four years in a row, the Dawgs have opened Pac-10 play against UCLA and have dropped all four.

#2. The Bruins are rebuilding this year and have a small, fast defense. Look for Stanback to be unable to run free and the Huskies commit to pounding the running game.

#3. Ben Olson, fallen Mormon hero and UCLA QB, is in his first year of on the field action in three years. The Bruins played home games against Utah and Rice to open the season. A riled Husky crowd and repeat of last week's defensive performance could make Olson look for a Coke, nay, a beer after the game.

#4. Motivation for the game will come from the opportunity to go 3-1 before heading to God's Waiting Room, Arizona. Not to get too far ahead of ourselves, but I can't help myself. Wins over the Bruins and Wildcats would put the Huskies at 4-1 and dare I say it, ranked(?) going into the matchup against the University of Spoiled Children.

A Field Is Not A Home

On Tuesday night, I was dragged to Safeco Field with some co-workers and my boss. My boss lives in Montana and has a house full of girls at home, so when he comes in town, he wants to defile himself and have us chugging right next to him. I say I was dragged, not because I have any fear of liquid refreshment, but because I would be just as happy watching Project Runway repeats than go watch my team play half-hearted games that don't mean anything. I'm not a bandwagon guy, but I just can't sit there and watch Mike Hargrove make his Hargrove face (A mix between searching for the final Jeopardy question and massive constipation) while we drop another game to a near Triple-A team.

It wasn't all bad though. I was in one of the best stadiums in baseball, enjoying many well-crafted beers, and having some delicious gourmet food. Even sushi! It was at this moment that a theory formed about the Mariners'.

The theory goes as follows; The Mariners will continue to suck because of Safeco Field. How did I arrive at such a conclusion? Allow me.

Ask yourself this; Have you gone to a Mariners' game more often to watch the game or to go to Club Safeco? Did you watch the whole game, or did you take a cab in the sixth to Belltown? Until Safeco opened, I never went to a game to do anything but root on the Mariners (No matter how much I hated Jose Mesa) and stay until the bitter end. The Kingdome was a Godless realm of Middle Earth, but in being so, only true fans went and spent their money and dammit, they wanted results for their money.

Now, even thought we have a starting pitching staff full of Joe Tables, their is no place quite as fun to be as the beer garden of Safeco Field in August. Their aren't a lot of place guys can watch a sporting event, ogle sorority chicks in heels and mini-skirts, and get a phone number or two. It's like Summer Catch, that crappy Freddie Prinze Jr. movie, but every single female fan is Jessica Biel. Every guy would watch that movie! The stadium corrals that activity in center field, away from the throngs of families, who come because of the well-appointed concessions and friendly environment.

Money is spent, great surroundings and conversations, and a good time is had by all. Oh, by the way, Washburn got knocked out in the third after giving up a grand slam and Ichiro, Beltre, and Sexson combined for one hit and five strikeouts, with the Mariners losing 8-2. I leave with a buzz, a quick "Screw 'em" under my breath, and it's off to Ozzie's.

The stadium is too well built and too well planned for the good of Seattle sportsfans. Seattle is not the most die-hard of towns as it is, and now, the Mariners are staring their fourth straight 90-plus loss season in a row, and Forbes magazine ranks Seattle as the fourth most profitable team in the bigs over the last five years. Cue Lewis Black: "Is anybody fucking home?"

The Mariners are going to be terrible until Mariners fans decide enough is enough. The Mariners ownership get rich off our hard earned dollars, lucrative contracts with Japanese media, and they turn around and produce not-even-mediocre teams and ever worse commercials. The Mariners have lost touch with their fans and treat us with little true respect. Well, they aren't going to buy the cow when they get the milk for free. I propose a ban on Club Safeco and any side ventures to the stadium all together, until they sign some real talent and show a commitment to winning.

What is more likely however, instead of getting Jason Schmidt or Daisuke Matsusaka is that they'll announce Chipotle, Hooters, and Newcastle Brown Ale will all open concession stands next season, and I'll buy a 20 game pack.

The Gift of the Fantasy Football Magi

There is one event that has replaced all other forms as the male bonding event of our generation. The roadtrip is dead, and the camping trip seems antiquated. I have multiple friends who can't even leave cell reception because of work. Instead, it's become the fantasy football draft. It's the ultimate event for guys. You get all your best friends together (especially the ones you know suck at fantasy football) to talk about football, drink, order greasy food, and make fun of each other until one guy gets so pissed, he threatens to leave the league all together. Ladies, when your boyfriend or husband or domestic partner goes to one of these, it's not about looking at statistics and projecting the coming football season, it's about farting and waiting to see how long it takes until the guy next to you smells it. It's goddamn beautiful!

I have to tell the story of this year's draft, because even if you don't know any of these guys, you've got to appreciate how dorky we all get and how much we love it. And face it, we're all dorks at heart.

We show up at our buddy Gustaf's condo, beer and assorted goods in tow. More than half the guys have laptops and we go to Gustaf's because he's got wireless internet and we can access our "secret internet sites" that we all feel gives us a dominant position, but really we just went to google and went to the third page of our "fantasy football" search. This is because we all know how lazy the other people are and figure no one will think to do it. Of course, there are are some duplicates. Then there's always the guy who shows up with nothing, asking Gustaf if he can print off sheets from Yahoo! when he gets there. This is Shane. Shane is also the guy that picks a Seahawk in the first round, inevitably Matt Hasselbeck, just so he can root for the Hawks. There is always the guy that does this and sucks all year long because of it.

Everyone takes this very seriously, but then there's the guy who thinks he's Vince Lombardi. This is MJ. MJ has formulated a super secret formula, from which he ranks the players on his own. No one really knows how this works and everyone makes fun of him for it (Partly because he won't tell us what it is and part because it actually produces solid teams.) This year, MJ took it to a whole other level. He found a kid on craigslist who wanted to learn about fantasy football and offered to be MJ's draft day assistant. I'm not kidding. We took the Entourage approach and called him Lloyd all day. I told him if he didn't get me a beer, I'd choke him out with a strap-on.

There's also the guy that doesn't give a shit and just plays to hangout at the draft. This is Parker. As we were walking into Gustaf's condo this year, Parker grabs me and asks me if he should walk in naked, knowing that Lloyd, the kid no one knew was already there. Of course, I said yes. To top it off, Parker's got a ass built for braiding. Great start to the draft.

A total of ten guys show up, with two more from out of town on IM (Yes, we're those guys.) I get the first pick in the draft, which is kinda like getting the first pull off of the new Cuervo bottle. Yes, I get to start drinking, but why me? I take Shaun Alexander, which has already proved to be a colossal bust. The rest of the first round goes without incident.

Then comes the moment every fantasy draft waits for: The blown pick. This year, it's Blake. Blake is a tall, pale, redhead, who talks shit constantly, so this is perfect. Blake drafts Curtis Martin, who doesn't have a right knee, let alone going to play this season. This leads to a round of gut-punching cutdowns, including my favorite line "Hey, I got Martin's right leg in my trunk, do you want it?" Someone asks him if his next pick will be Steve Largent. Life is good. Everyone then sits around with that satisfied, just-after-sex look for the next two rounds.

Then it gets ugly. The late rounds is where everyone has filled their starting rosters and then starts picking other people's backups. It's not necessarily because they will be played, it's just to screw over your buddy. Parker takes 31 year old Tiki Barber and I make sure to write down Brandon Jacobs' name and take him. That elicits a "Fucker" from Parker which makes me laugh hard enough to spill my beer all over myself. It reaches a fever pitch to where people are asking "Who has Drew Bledsoe??" The guy asking this is Heistand, and Bledsoe is so terrible that Heistand has already blocked out that he drafted him three rounds earlier. My buddy Moeller laughs and says, "Some poor bastard!" Heistand realizes and sheepishly takes Bledsoe's backup Tony Romo (A great place for ribs) and sinks into his chair.

17 rounds later, Gustaf's place has about 70 empty beer bottles, 3 cashed pizza boxes and smells like what you would imagine colonoscopy would feel like. Needless to say, we're all feeling great. That's what the draft should be; Some beer, some shit talking, some laughs... And the guy in med school leaving feeling like the dumbest guy in the room.

Welcome!

Hello friends (As I'm sure those are the only ones reading right now),

I want to wish you a warm and heartfelt welcome to what I hope will be more than just a feebile attempt at in-depth analysis and hard hitting sports journalism... but what will more than likely devole into condescending wisecracks and occasional witty sarcasm. Nonetheless, I will bring whatever I can to the table in a format that will hopefully entertain you and encourage you to spread the good word. So without further promises I'm sure I won't keep, onto my first post.

Thanks for reading (in advance)
Justin