Let's Play Snow Balls!
How goes it everyone? A million my bads for the excruciating delays in the updates on the blog and I hope this will bring my loyal fan base (Hi Dad) off of the ledge. Interruption in bringing you all of your irrelevant sports blog needs were unavoidable, as I was forced to go on vacation, moved into a new place, and spent a solid month in Western State Hospital with a critical case of March Madness. However, I'm back and now I get to start ripping the Mariners a new one! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
So the Mariners are sucking agai...
Wait, they've got a winning record? They got snowed out four straight days? THEY'RE IN FIRST PLACE???
Well, if this wasn't the most unpredictable beginning since the original Scream. The Mariners started the season by winning a series over the A's, a team they beat twice all of last year. Before the year, this was as likely a scenario as Ari and Lloyd getting frisky on Entourage. It just goes to show you what a team can really achieve by signing can't miss stars like Jose Vidro, Jeff Weaver, and Miguel Batista. Yikes.
Then came the now infamous series in Cleveland. The Browns and the Seahawks were set to square off in the frozen tundra of Jacobs Field, when a funny thing happened. It started snowing and didn't stop until two feet piled up. In April. I'm not saying Al Gore's got some 'splaining to do, but geez.
However, the most underplayed story of the season happened during the first game of that series, where Mike Hargrove made his only championship move as a manager ever. He got the umpires to stop the game. In the first game of the series, the Mariners were losing 4-0 in the fifth inning. Not just that, they were getting no hit. Not just that, it had been snowing all game. The Mariners were one strike from being out of the 5th and the game being official. Mike Hargrove calls time and summons all the strength in his body not to make a snow drunk, and complains to the umpire that the Mariners can't see the ball. Now, this might have been legit in the 3rd inning, but with one strike left there's no way the umpire is going to agree to this. While Hargrove is begging and pleading his case, it suddenly starts to come down heavier than the dandruff of a shopping mall Santa. The ump laughs, shakes his head, and calls off the game. Amazing.
In his playing days, Hargrove was called the Human Rain Delay, because he took so long in between pitches to get back in the batter's box. I'm starting a petition to change his nickname to Old Man Winter. That was just a classic moment of Mariners history in my book.
Then, off to Boston, where King Felix spoiled Dice-K's debut and damn near no-hit the Sox. I'm just going to say it; Felix looks like Roger Clemens. That slider is unhittable. It burrows into the ground the way I wish Carlos Mencia would. I haven't watched a baseball game in years where it was blatantly obvious that the hitters were flat guessing.
Tack on taking 2 of 3 from Texas this weekend and the Mariners are the only team in the AL West above .500 and in first place. Wow, I nearly blacked out writing that last sentence.
Settle down, Mariner faithful! Please get off of the phone with Ticketmaster! This is fleeting. This too shall pass. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you all this, but my God, this is the Mariners. Ladies and Gentlemen, batting 3rd, Jose Vidro! I thought he retired 5 years ago. Maybe that was just his talent. I don't know. Jeff Weaver has looked like a truck driver without equilibrium so far this year, which is fantastic if Britney Spears is horny, but not if you need him to keep a team in first place of the AL West.
One of the true bright spots that has caught my eye has been Kenji Johjima lighting up opposing pitching. He's hitting .476 so far and has been a wonderful example of what the Mariners management strategy is hoping; That every person on the freaking roster has a career year. The Mariners went on the cheap again this year in free agency and hired guys that they hope pan out. It's a nice start and let's hope the momentum can help inspire a change, but it doesn't help with a talent void. With this kind of intelligence running the club, it's a good thing we've got a manager who can get games cancelled.
So the Mariners are sucking agai...
Wait, they've got a winning record? They got snowed out four straight days? THEY'RE IN FIRST PLACE???
Well, if this wasn't the most unpredictable beginning since the original Scream. The Mariners started the season by winning a series over the A's, a team they beat twice all of last year. Before the year, this was as likely a scenario as Ari and Lloyd getting frisky on Entourage. It just goes to show you what a team can really achieve by signing can't miss stars like Jose Vidro, Jeff Weaver, and Miguel Batista. Yikes.
Then came the now infamous series in Cleveland. The Browns and the Seahawks were set to square off in the frozen tundra of Jacobs Field, when a funny thing happened. It started snowing and didn't stop until two feet piled up. In April. I'm not saying Al Gore's got some 'splaining to do, but geez.
However, the most underplayed story of the season happened during the first game of that series, where Mike Hargrove made his only championship move as a manager ever. He got the umpires to stop the game. In the first game of the series, the Mariners were losing 4-0 in the fifth inning. Not just that, they were getting no hit. Not just that, it had been snowing all game. The Mariners were one strike from being out of the 5th and the game being official. Mike Hargrove calls time and summons all the strength in his body not to make a snow drunk, and complains to the umpire that the Mariners can't see the ball. Now, this might have been legit in the 3rd inning, but with one strike left there's no way the umpire is going to agree to this. While Hargrove is begging and pleading his case, it suddenly starts to come down heavier than the dandruff of a shopping mall Santa. The ump laughs, shakes his head, and calls off the game. Amazing.
In his playing days, Hargrove was called the Human Rain Delay, because he took so long in between pitches to get back in the batter's box. I'm starting a petition to change his nickname to Old Man Winter. That was just a classic moment of Mariners history in my book.
Then, off to Boston, where King Felix spoiled Dice-K's debut and damn near no-hit the Sox. I'm just going to say it; Felix looks like Roger Clemens. That slider is unhittable. It burrows into the ground the way I wish Carlos Mencia would. I haven't watched a baseball game in years where it was blatantly obvious that the hitters were flat guessing.
Tack on taking 2 of 3 from Texas this weekend and the Mariners are the only team in the AL West above .500 and in first place. Wow, I nearly blacked out writing that last sentence.
Settle down, Mariner faithful! Please get off of the phone with Ticketmaster! This is fleeting. This too shall pass. I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you all this, but my God, this is the Mariners. Ladies and Gentlemen, batting 3rd, Jose Vidro! I thought he retired 5 years ago. Maybe that was just his talent. I don't know. Jeff Weaver has looked like a truck driver without equilibrium so far this year, which is fantastic if Britney Spears is horny, but not if you need him to keep a team in first place of the AL West.
One of the true bright spots that has caught my eye has been Kenji Johjima lighting up opposing pitching. He's hitting .476 so far and has been a wonderful example of what the Mariners management strategy is hoping; That every person on the freaking roster has a career year. The Mariners went on the cheap again this year in free agency and hired guys that they hope pan out. It's a nice start and let's hope the momentum can help inspire a change, but it doesn't help with a talent void. With this kind of intelligence running the club, it's a good thing we've got a manager who can get games cancelled.
posted by Justin Graden at 9:28 PM
3 Comments:
Yes. I've been waiting for this moment my entire life. Graden Papers, Graden Cheese, Justbin Graded (papers or cheese), Cheese, Garden Cultured, Gardenia, etc. has a column. Correction. Has had a column. Where have I been? Shame, shame, shame. Naughty, naughty, spank, spank.
"It burrows into the ground the way I wish Carlos Mencia would."
My head was burrowed up my own ass like Carlos Mencia's head is.
You’ve got yourself a fan.
Dude bring it back!
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